[from email@example.com: Patrick Crumhorn (Patrik@IO.COM)
WARNING: The following is intended as satire, and nothing else. Any resemblance to persons or entities, living, dead, or ascended, is not my problem, really. ;-)
Welcome to Thelema TV. All New-Aeon, All the Time!
And now, LIVE from the Boleskine Arena, it's the Battle of the Magisters Templi! As you know, there are more than a dozen would-be avatars claiming the title of Ipsissimus of the A.'A.'., and tonite's battle will help decide just WHO is qualified to be the Secret Chief of the Illuminati, and the guide for humanity's evolution for the next Aeon!
This matchup features "Killer" Kelly vs. David "Carob" Bean. Bean's fans are out in force tonite, though, strangly enough, many of them appear cloned, almost as if they were one person! Kelly fares less well, as he seems to have no fans whatsoever, but as we all know, this hasn't stopped him before!
The Probationer rings the sacred Bell to start Round Zero. The opponents are circling, feinting with NOX and LUX signs as they search for weaknesses in the other's defense. Kelly throws a sign of the Enterer that sends Bean against the ropes. Only that instinctive assumption of the HPK godform saves him from being thrown out of the ring! Bean counters with an email flood that has Kelly pinned momentarily.
Kelly follows with a complex gematriaic justification. There's some controversy among the officials. The Invisible College rules it out of order, due to dodgy letter attributions. Kelly gets a warning. He won't be Granted a second chance.
Bean counters with a cheering section of scantily-clad houris! They're bowing before him, lending him money, and mothering him! Kelly gestures to the officials, but they don't seem to notice.
Great Horus! Kelly has issued a Manifesto!!! Bean staggers and falls under the sheer weight and mass of the denunciations! Not since Marshmellow Motta hurled a 93-ton epithet at the Great E. McMurtry has there been such a wielding of weighty verbiage like this! Bean is down! The crowd is screaming! The officials are counting.. 9.... 10.... 11!!!!! Kelly wins the match!!!
Of course, now he must face Frater Ad Derrierum and the Militia Maniacs in an upcoming tag-team match, but for now, this is Eddie Alexander at the Boleskine Arena, Reshing you all God-Night, here on Thelema TV!