Ladies and gentlemen, you may remember, if you dare, the sad excuse for a man I once was. I'm here to tell you how I changed all that. I was a pig in a blanket, a dog in a manger, a fruitcake in a bungalow, and I decided that what I needed to do to fix myself up was to just get off my ass and do something. So I asked my neighbor (he calls himself Kapoopoo, or something, but I think his real name is Emily) to watch the house while I was gone.

I went down to the marketplace to the tent where they read your DNA and turn it into a song, and I paid them my fifty cents, and inserted the tape into my compact abdominal player that I got for free for stabbing myself in the eye with a fork in a swanky restaurant, and I was sailing down the street in the throes of ecstasy, thumbscrews and silly noodles in my wake, when I came to a dead stop at a manhole.

I asked the man, who seemed embarrassed by the way I was staring at him, how he had come by his hole. He smacked me so hard I had to start my life over from the bottom up. But this time around, I made a single simple change. Instead of fornicating with evildoers, I elected to fornicate with everybody, regardless of their personal value system.

And that's why I'm here today, a changed man. Because if it hadn't been for the dirty napkins, I'd have starved to death long ago, and I feel that this group has done more to help me through my lives than any other random collection of losers I have had the misfortune to have to deal with. Thank you and good night.