Prevent ugly tartar sauce buildup by dousing your fish once in a while. I find that a polite solution of beggar's juice and essence of toad works wonders. Don't forget to plug up the major inlets while doing this, lest ye leak.

Another technique I find helpful is taping my knees to a blimp and saddling up the old chestnut mare, if you know what I mean. A good yank on the patella by a hefty dirigible works wonders. This, of course, does not alleviate the stains and spots, but you should be getting out more if that's a big concern of yours.

Saving the shavings is also popular, especially among the environmentalists in the audience. If you have excess shavings, you should not be shaving so much - hey, simple problems require simple solutions.

For problems with bestial witnessing in the yard, I look to the words of wisdom of Henry Kissinger: "Just spread some lime on it and it will take care of itself." This applies equally to boils, of course.

In closing, I would like to summarize by rolling up everything I said previously into a ball and turning it into a candlestick, while dancing a jig to the national anthem, but I regret that I am unable to do this due to my uncertainty regarding proper jig etiquette. My thanks go to the Academy, and to all the little people, particularly the ones under my driveway.