Ladies and gentlemen, as we descend into the pit of unpleasant reflexes, let me remind you that the cabin crew is ill-prepared to respond to any of your whiny little demands, so if you would kindly refrain from dying in your seats we shall all have a happier trip.
Off to your left you will find the widely disputed "Arcade of the Drama of Cheese". And on the - oh, sir, you'll have to stop that or I'll smite you into oblivion. What? No, the "Yam-o-Rama" tour was the eight fifteen, this is "Playful Jellied Preserves Of The World". No, I don't think you can have that removed without severe trauma. Why don't you just put your hypno-goggles back on and settle down.
Ahem. And on the right, you will find a striking tableau involving Connie Chung and one rather startled weasel! Ho-ho! I'll bet he's sorry he tried that! We now present to you the fabled fromage of story and song, none other than the holy preserved body of Saint Cheddar himself. Holy relics on toothpicks will be served shortly.
Thank you, I hope you've had an enjoyable tour. Any part of your body remaining on the train after the doors close will be sold at auction.