Preheat your wife to seven hungred degrees. Stoke her firmly with a wrapped onion, then set her aside. Using the bananas you have prepared for this purpose, lay down a mat of three score and seven bunny thighs, not too creamy, or the meanderings will be bootless. When they have gelled, spray the kitchen with liquid nitrogen.
Return to your wife. She should be hopping mad by now. Explain to her that you are a tiny puppy and she must pet you. Cajole her until she obeys. Then paint her with a thin layer of chloroform, being careful not to cover any of the important openings, such as cabinet positions.
You must then locate a fault line in your neighborhood. Petition it for a redress of grievances, while rebuking yourself with a thin rod. Don't forget to monitor your wife while you are doing this. If you let her get beyond a light golden brown, she will be overdone, and will divorce you.
Now unfold your lyrics and sing for happiness. You will receive a bounty in the mail, but do not open it, because it might be a bomb. All that is known for certain is that it is something that begins with "b". Invite your relatives over, laying out a place setting of granite and welded porch for each of them. Your wife should be placed at the center of the table, making sure to position her arms for the best television reception. Your feast is ready. Everything is edible, including the relatives but excluding your wife. Enjoy!