Cthulu for Morons*

by Yael Dragwyla


Revenance for the Rest of Us (R)

The Fun and Easy Way to Summon Agents of Darkness (TM).

Your First Aid Kit (TM) for Tortured and Troubled Souls Lost in Alien Dimensions.

What to Do When Bad Things Happen (TM) --- Explained in Plain English and Whimpering Cries.

"I knew this experiment wouldn't work ... Huh?! ... Who are you?!!! How did you get here? ... my GOD ... WHAT are you?! ... What have I done? ... AAARGGGHHH"
-- James Randi, amazed Necronomicon reader. Found on an audio taped journal in an otherwise empty cabin.

Abdul's Top Ten Lists of Tips for the Necronomicon:

"Necronomicon for Morons* (R) can serve as your Silver Key (TM) to portals through time and space." -- Y. Sothoth

Step into a new and improved world, "not in the spaces we know but between them". Walk serene with those "primal, undimensioned and ... unseen".

As it is said, "The Old Ones were, the Old Ones are, and the Old Ones shall be." This naturally intimidates some people --- relax and read NECRONOMICON FOR MORONS* to learn how to summon the Old Ones and their Awesome Powers. Abdul Alhazred's humorous, easy-to-follow style makes evocation of the Old Ones practically automatic.

There seems to be a lot of Cthulu humor out there. Perhaps this is the the way people who deal with Cthulu stay sane. In any case, I have had a lot of Cthulu humor sent to me over the years, and this piece is one of them. Unfortunately, I had to change the title. It was originally entitled "Cthulu for Dummies" but I have received a legal notice from the greyfaces at IDG Books (who produce the "...For Dummies(R)" books) telling me that "it is highly likely that visitors could be misled into believing that this article was authorized by or is associated with IDGB." In other words, they have no sense of humor and seem to think that we're all so stupid that we can't tell a joke from the real thing.

IDG Books has asked me to "remove the infringing material from the Web page and anywhere else it appears and provide IDGB with your written assurances that you will refrain from infringing on its trademarks."

To satisfy IDGB I have changed the offending title from "Cthulu for Dummies" to "Cthulu for Morons". Last I checked, they did not have a "...For Morons" registered trademark, so this should deal with the legal problem.

Secondly, I am choosing to exercise my First Ammendment right to free speech, using this webpage as my forum. I had always enjoyed the "...For Dummies(R)" series put out by IDG Books, but I refuse to do business with a company that has no sense of humor, and can't even ask me politely to remove the material before threatening me with legal action that "if this matter cannot be immediately resolved, IDGB is fully prepared to enforce its rights." So I hereby declare that I am boycotting all IDGB products, including ancillary products licensed from IDGB bearing the "...For Dummies(R)" trademark. I encourage others to do the same. If you would like to look at the legal notice from the greyfaces at IDG Books to see just what pissed me off, please do so.

"...For Dummies(R)" is a Registered Trademark owned by IDG Books Worldwide ("IDGB"). Use of the name of any product without mention of trademark status in this article should not be construed as a challenge to such status. The inclusion of these product names in no way implies any approved usage or official licensing of the contents of this article with the aforementioned products.

"Cthulu for Morons" is a humorous spoof of IDGB's "...For Dummies(R)" line of reference books. If you didn't have enough brainpower to figure that out in the first place, you probably shouldn't be messing around with Cthulu anyway, humorous or otherwise.