From: Brother Bubba Subject: The Christian Olympics: 9. Poison drinking Date: Wed, 07 Aug 1996 00:56:16 -0400 Organization: Brainwashed Victims of Christianity (BVC) Disclaimer: This is a parody. It is not meant to be an accurate depiction of the beliefs and actions of the people involved. Any similarities to actual events are purely accidental. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Bubba: Now we get to the poison drinking contest? For those of you who wonder why this contest is here, let us remind you to read Mark 16:17-18. The rules for this are simple: Each contestant will be given a gallon of arsenic to chug. Points will be awarded based on the quantity of arsenic imbibed in a 2 minute period! Plutonium was going to be used, but the Atheist stole it to make his atomic bomb! Drinking the whole gallon is worth 1000 points with the rest prorated. Predictions, Brother Miles? Miles: A fatal case of indigestion for that Atheist! I hope he brought his Tums, 'cause I'm not going to give him any! Bubba: Well the contestants are set... and there they go! Manny: The contestants seem a bit reluctant to begin.... Wait, the Pope has just filled a shot glass and has downed it! The other contestants are watching him expectantly! He appears fine, though! Miles: I bet that was delicious! It'd go great with a cow dung sandwich! Manny: Jesse and Morris have now taken heart from the Pope's example and Morris is now chugging the gallon.... SO IS JESSE! Wait... both of them have fallen to their knees! They are now vomiting and turning blue! They appear to be having trouble breathing! Miles: Perhaps they are choking on it: they were drinking too fast! Let this be an important lesson to our young Christians out there. You can drink poison, but in moderation... Drinking too fast could cause this sort of accident. Bubba: Good point, Brother Miles. It is wonderful how the Lord provided this lesson for our young viewers... What is Atheist doing? Manny: He is just standing around shaking his head in disbelief. He was trying to get the judges to call an ambulance. Miles: If he interferes this time, he will be disqualified. He is too scared to drink that poison. Bubba: Well, times up. Morris led the way with 900 points, followed by Jesse with 700, the Pope with 25, and Atheist with 0. Manny, interview our new leaders, Morris and Jesse. Manny: I can't. They are dead. They drank too fast and choked on it! Miles: Too bad! How about that Pope though! Manny: Your Holiness, you sparked a rally there when you drank that shot of arsenic. What did it taste like? Pope: Well, arsenic is just rat poison you know. It has a metallic taste. I always put a little on my bread every morning. My bodyguards thought it was a good idea to build up immunity to poison. Manny: Didn't you tell them you were already immune? Pope: Yes, but I decided to humor them. Manny: That was kind of you. Back to you Brother Bubba. Bubba: Here is our new leader board: Morris Cerulo - 3150 (dead) Jesse Jackson - 2410 (dead) Pat Robertson - 2400 pts. (dead) Pope - 2331 Atheist - 2305 Mother Theresa -238 (dead) Billy Graham - 30 (dead) Oral Roberts - 25 (dead) Jerry Falwell - 5 (dead) Robert Tilton - (-5) (injury) Benny Hinn - (-5) (injury) Comments, Brother Miles? Miles: That cowardly Atheist disappointed me by not drinking any poison and dying. He can't avoid the upcoming furnace though! Morris is the big surprise. Now in first place, with only one round left. He will probably have to settle for the silver, though, since the Pope will easily collect the 2000 points in the final round. Jesse has fulfilled my earlier prediction that he would be a serious medal threat. Bubba: You have the gift of prophecy Brother Miles. Miles: Thank you, Brother Bubba. I'm not just a color commentator you know. As for Atheist, he is now out of medal contention. Bubba: Prediction? Miles: Atheist flambe, coming up! to be continued...