From: Brother Bubba Subject: The Christian Olympics: 8. Lion taming Date: Wed, 07 Aug 1996 00:51:53 -0400 Organization: Brainwashed Victims of Christianity (BVC) Disclaimer: This is a parody. It is not meant to be an accurate depiction of the beliefs and actions of the people involved. Any similarities to actual events are purely accidental. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Bubba: Good analysis. Up next is the lion taming portion of our program. Each of the contestants will be led one by one at 1 minute intervals into the lions cage at the Jerusalem zoo. Those Lions haven't been fed for over a week! After remaining in the Lion's den for 12 hours, they will leave. Successful navigation of this grave peril is worth 1000 points. What is the history of this event, Brother Miles? Miles: Well, Bubba. Daniel was the first to undergo this test, but he certainly wasn't the last! Those Romans loved sending people who claimed to be Christians to fight lions in the arena. However, when they realized the lions wouldn't eat true Christians, the Romans put fake Christians, called gladiators, in there to be eaten instead. That way people would be afraid to become Christians. Bubba: This strategy obviously didn't work. Well, here we go! Manny, what is happening? Manny: Oral has just come back from the funeral and is trying to pull out of this event too! However, there is a no-withdrawal rule in effect for this event: the judges just had him picked up and thrown in! Miles: Just wait till that Atheist goes in there. Those lions are gonna have a feeding frenzy! Manny: Great Scott! The lions have just mauled Oral and... blood is spewing everywhere... Ouch! The lions have torn him into 4 big chunks... some of the lions are rolling around in the gore. They seem to be very grateful for this feast that the LORD has provided for them... Aww, how cute! Look at that little lion cub gnawing on Oral's severed head! Miles: (smirking) Look at those chunks of flesh and skin stuck between his teeth. Hope his mother makes him brush and floss.... We can't stress "Oral" hygiene enough to our young viewers! Bubba: Ha Ha Ha! You're right, Brother Miles! I don't understand why this has happened though! But we can't know everything GOD does. HE had his reasons, I'm sure! Miles: Correct! We shouldn't even question why this happened. GOD is everywhere, he's omnivorous. This is all part of some wonderful plan that He has for Oral's life. Manny: Billy Graham has been pleading to go home! But the judges are adamant and are pushing him into the cage. Wow! Billy has just gone unconscious. Miles: Amazing cool! How can he sleep at a time like this? Manny: Billy has just been tossed to the lions and ... The lions are gorging on him almost immediately! He hadn't even hit the ground before they tore huge chunks from his hindquarters. Bubba: My, My, My! The Lord surely does work in mysterious ways! Well, I'm sure GOD won't let Mother Theresa get eaten. Manny: Mother Theresa is whimpering and crying. She is calling on Jesus to save her! The judges have just tossed her in too! Miles: This should be fun to watch. I bet GOD is going to put those lions to sleep. Bubba: They do look a little slower. Perhaps they have been satiated! Manny: A lioness has just swatted Mother Theresa! She is sprawled on the ground now.... trying to crawl away.... her stump is slowing her down. Wow, the lioness has hooked her claws on Mother Theresa's leg and has drug her back... the lioness is swatting her back and forth like a pinball.... Bubba: That's got to be disorienting. Miles: The LORD's mercy is great! He hasn't let the lioness kill her! Manny: Uh OH! Here comes the lion. He ... He ... Wow, it is amazing that her entire head fit inside his mouth! He just bit it off and swallowed it whole! Wait, Jesse and Morris are in now too! The lions haven't noticed them yet! I was so enthralled watching the lioness that I didn't see them thrown in! The lions seem to be taking a siesta! Bubba: Morris is rubbing himself with lion dung! Brilliant! Who would want to eat food with dung all over it. Miles: Well, Ezekiel swore by it! He used cow's dung instead of lion's dung, though. In Ezekiel 4:7-19 he describes how to make tasty cow dung sandwiches! Bubba: That doesn't sound very tasty. Miles: Au Contraire, mon frere! Why, I make my kids eat them every day at school! Bubba: Is that healthy? Miles: Why, of course it's healthy! The LORD wouldn't order you to eat anything unhealthy! Bubba: I'll have to give it a try. Manny: Atheist has just been thrown in... He has a whip in his hand... But the lions are asleep now... Great, we have 4 contestants in the lions den now.... Jesse, Morris, Atheist, and the Pope! Miles: Wake up, kitty! Eat that Atheist! I don't understand why that Atheist isn't being eaten. (12 hours later) Bubba: Well, four contestants have just walked out of the lion's den. They seem sort of pale! The current standings are now! Pat Robertson - 2400 pts. (dead) Pope - 2306 Atheist - 2305 Morris Cerulo - 2250 Jesse Jackson - 1610 Mother Theresa -238 (dead) Billy Graham - 30 (dead) Oral Roberts - 25 (dead) Jerry Falwell - 5 (dead) Robert Tilton - (-5) (injury) Benny Hinn - (-5) (injury) Comments, Brother Miles? Miles: It is a tight race to the finish, but the Pope probably can't be caught! Looks like Pat's valiant effort was for naught, but you never know, he could still get a medal! to be continued...