From: Brother Bubba <jrbst31@unixs.cis.pitt.edu>
Subject: The Christian Olympics: 7. Snake juggling
Date: Wed, 07 Aug 1996 00:46:16 -0400
Organization: Brainwashed Victims of Christianity (BVC)
Disclaimer: This is a parody. It is not meant to be an accurate
depiction of the beliefs and actions of the people involved. Any
similarities to actual events are purely accidental.
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Bubba: Well, the Lord works in mysterious ways. But now we get to
the true tests of faith: snake juggling, lion taming, poison
drinking, and the Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednigo contest!
Miles: GREAT! I feel like taking all my clothes off and dancing
around like King David, when he got that Ark back.
Bubba: Me too! The event works as follows. Each of the
contestants will grab some poisonous snakes of his/her choice and
then begin juggling them. Points will be awarded for style, and
for length of time the snakes are in the air. Every 5 seconds that
a cobra, rattlesnake, mamba, or bushmaster is in the air will be
worth 100 points. Every 5 seconds that an asp, sidewinder, or
copperhead is in the air will be worth 50 points. Finally, coral
snakes may also be juggled but for only 1 point every 5 seconds.
Now remember, the snakes must be juggled, so only the time when the
snakes are in the air will be counted.
Miles: What happens if the snake bites and hangs on?
Bubba: That will be counted as juggling. Now Brother Miles, could
you talk about the history of this event for our viewers?
Miles: Well, Jesus himself once said, "And these signs shall
follow them that believe; In my name shall they cast out devils;
they shall speak with new tongues; They shall take up serpents; and
if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall
lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover." That is in Mark
16:17-18.
Bubba: I'm sure our viewers will notice the connection this verse
has to some of our other events. So, who was the first snake
juggler.
Miles: That honor goes to Paul himself! Acts 28 tells a wonderful
story of Paul impressing savages with his grace and style while
snake juggling!
Bubba: Could you retell it for us, Brother Miles.
Miles: Certainly. You see, Paul was on an island called Melita,
which was inhabited by barbarians. These barbarians showed him
great kindness and gave him shelter and made a fire for him. Well,
Paul went to put some wood on the fire, when LO and BEHOLD, a
poisonous viper leapt out of the fire and attached itself to him.
Bubba: Amazing! Was he frightened?
Miles: No, not Paul. But the barbarians thought Paul must be a
murderer and that this was some sort of vengeance against him.
Paul just laughed and nonchalantly tossed the snake in the fire.
When the barbarians saw that no harm came to him, they thought he
must be a god!
Bubba: Heart-warming isn't it? Well, our contestants are ready to
go! First up will be Pat Robertson, to be followed by Oral
Roberts, Billy Graham, Mother Theresa, Morris Cerulo, Jesse
Jackson, Atheist, and finally the Pope. Any predictions this time
Brother Miles?
Miles: Youth and dexterity will definitely play a factor here.
The Pope will perhaps lack a little of the hand-eye coordination
necessary here, while Mother Theresa lacks a hand: that stump will
give her problems! However, I expect them to score modestly well
with the rest of the Dream Team making up a little ground. This
could be Jesse's chance to make his move. I think it is probably
now or never for him to take the lead. Atheist is gonna bite the
dust!
Bubba: That is exactly how I expect it to unfold also. Here we
go! Manny tell what is happening!
Manny: Bubba, Pat must really be ambitious. He has called for 4
cobras, 4 rattle snakes, 2 mambas, and 2 bushmasters.
Miles: Wow! He will have to move faster than Muhammed Ali to
juggle that many! He could catch the Pope here!
Bubba: The box filled with the snakes is ready. As soon as Pat
removes them, the timer will be started!
Manny: Pat looks really nervous, but perhaps it's just excitement!
The box of snakes has just been placed in his shaking hands. Oh
NO! The box just got tipped over before Pat was ready! The snakes
are all over him!
Miles: Cool! Look at that style! He has two on his left arm, one
on his neck, 3 on his right leg, 3 on his torso, and the Piece de
Resistance, TWO on his crotch!!! My LORD, it looks like the Holy
Spirit has entered Pat: He's bouncing off the walls and spinning
like a whirligig! He must be dancing for JOY!!!
Bubba: This is reminiscent of that Paul story you told us, only it
is twelve times as impressive! Imagine if those savages had seen
this! Wait, what's happening?
Manny: Pat has fallen. Perhaps he tripped. The snakes have been
dislodged and the clock has stopped.
Bubba: But I believe he kept them in the air for 10 seconds.
Miles: Who said the men's 100 meter final in the Olympics was the
most exciting 10 seconds in sports? I challenge them to top this
record breaking performance.
Manny: Pat isn't moving. Our judges are going over to see what's
wrong...
Bubba: Maybe he hit his head on a rock when he tripped.
Miles: I suspect that Atheist is behind it somehow.
Manny: The judges think he must be exhausted from the strenuous
effort. They are taking him to a place to rest.
Miles: He'll shake it off and be back for the next event, I'm
sure.
Manny: The judges have just made an announcement: Pat has died of
unknown causes.
Miles: What a Shocker! I wonder what happened. There should be
an autopsy to discover the cause of death. He looked so vibrant
and alive when he had the snakes on him!
Bubba: Jesus said to let the dead bury the dead. Let's get back
to the action! Next up is Oral Roberts.
Manny: Oral, Billy Graham, Mother Theresa, and Jesse Jackson have
all withdrawn! Oral and Billy wish to pay their respects to Pat,
Mother Theresa doesn't want to aggravate the arthritis in her
remaining hand, and Jesse Jackson has some administrative work to
attend to for his Rainbow Coalition! Morris Cerulo has just
stepped up confidently for his turn.
Miles: He looks serious! Perhaps faith healing isn't his only
speciality.
Bubba: Morris has asked for 3 cobras and a rattlesnake.
Miles: He isn't as ambitious as Pat, but look for a big score!
Manny: Morris has just taken the box and placed it on the ground.
He is leaning over the box and has now opened the lid! He's
blocking the view, so I can't see what's happening.... Wait, there
he goes.... He now has four snakes in his hands. They aren't
moving at all... He must have quite a grip on them....
Miles: Can you hear that rattlesnake? I bet that Atheist is
scared!
Manny: He has just tossed them in the air and is trying to keep
them going..... Looks like he's dropped one.... Oh... He just
dropped them all....
Bubba: Great performance! He kept that rattle snake in the air
for 5 seconds and managed to keep the cobras in the air for 10
seconds... That's worth 700 points, putting him behind Pat, who
has 2400.
Manny: What is Atheist doing?... He's just picked up one of
Morris' snakes and ... he's claiming that it's made of rubber!
Bubba: So...
Manny: He is accusing Morris of cheating...
Miles: Talk about the pot calling the kettle black!.....
Manny: The judges have ruled that God turned the snakes to rubber
to protect Morris. The result stands.
Miles: Morris must have gotten that one from Moses! Moses changed
snakes into wood, but Morris has added a modern twist to an age-old
miracle by changing snakes into rubber! Hallelujah!
Bubba: Great! Now we get to see Atheist try.
Manny: Atheist has just put on some thick gloves and a chain mail
suit. He is now asking for four cobras.
Miles: Disgraceful! Are the referees going to permit this!
Bubba: Unfortunately the rules don't forbid it.
Manny: Atheist has just grabbed the cobras and has tossed them
into the air! The snakes are trying in vain to bite him. .... He
just dropped two... Still going.... Good form.... Oh... he
dropped the other two now.
Bubba: He kept 2 in the air for 10 seconds and the other 2 in the
air for 30. That is worth 1600 points. Giving him a total of
2305. Not enough to match Pat's performance, but enough to put him
back in second place.
Miles: No problem... The Pope will take the lead now... I bet he's
going to ask for 12 cobras, one for each of the apostles!
Manny: He just asked for 1 coral snake. It will take him forever
to score well with that.
Miles: You see, Brother Bubba! What strategy! The Pope knows he
doesn't have the speed and reflexes for a quick kill, but he has a
lot of endurance. I would compare Pat to a sprinter, and I would
compare the Pope to a marathon runner.
Manny: The Pope has grabbed the coral snake and is now tossing it
up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down...! We could be
here a while!
Bubba: To pass Atheist the Pope needs to keep this up for 1 hour,
49 minutes, and 10 seconds. To catch Pat will require over 2 hours
of work.
Miles: If anyone can do it, the Pope can....
Manny: (25 minutes later) Looks like the Pope has opted to change
styles. The snake has now bitten him between the fingers and is
hanging on....
Miles: He's just taking a break. That is why he just flopped down
on his back.
Bubba: Here comes Atheist!
Manny: Atheist has just pulled the snake off of the Pope and has
stuck a syringe into him!
Miles: He's cheating! He knew that the Pope was going to catch up
to him eventually.
Bubba: Well, that performance lasted for 25 minutes and 5 seconds,
giving the Pope 1306 total points.
Miles: Those judges have to disqualify that Atheist now.
Manny: The judges have just deducted 1,000 points from Atheist for
interfering. His next infraction will bring disqualification.
Atheist, you have continuously disrupted these games and have shown
no respect for the rules...
Atheist: I have respect for life, though. I knew that if I didn't
inject that anti-venom into him that he would die.
Manny: Ha! The Lord was protecting him.
Atheist: Yeah, just like he protected Pat Robertson! (walking
away)
Miles: That Atheist is stupid. Hasn't he read his bible? So what
is the score now?
Bubba: There has been some shuffling in the standings now. Here
is the scoreboard:
Pat Robertson - 2400 pts. (dead)
Pope - 1306
Atheist - 1305
Morris Cerulo - 1250
Jesse Jackson - 610
Mother Theresa -238
Billy Graham - 30
Oral Roberts - 25
Jerry Falwell - 5 (dead)
Robert Tilton - (-5) (injury)
Benny Hinn - (-5) (injury)
Comments, Brother Miles?
Miles: I am disgusted that the Atheist is still alive. Why is the
Lord vexing us with him? Pat has jumped into the lead, but in his
present condition I don't think he will be able to add to that
score. The Pope is still easily within striking distance of the
gold. Atheist, though only a point behind, will surely drop out of
contention soon. Morris is a big surprise. This could be the
Cinderella story of the meet! Mother Theresa is out of medal
contention now.
to be continued...