From: Brother Bubba Subject: The Christian Olympics: 7. Snake juggling Date: Wed, 07 Aug 1996 00:46:16 -0400 Organization: Brainwashed Victims of Christianity (BVC) Disclaimer: This is a parody. It is not meant to be an accurate depiction of the beliefs and actions of the people involved. Any similarities to actual events are purely accidental. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Bubba: Well, the Lord works in mysterious ways. But now we get to the true tests of faith: snake juggling, lion taming, poison drinking, and the Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednigo contest! Miles: GREAT! I feel like taking all my clothes off and dancing around like King David, when he got that Ark back. Bubba: Me too! The event works as follows. Each of the contestants will grab some poisonous snakes of his/her choice and then begin juggling them. Points will be awarded for style, and for length of time the snakes are in the air. Every 5 seconds that a cobra, rattlesnake, mamba, or bushmaster is in the air will be worth 100 points. Every 5 seconds that an asp, sidewinder, or copperhead is in the air will be worth 50 points. Finally, coral snakes may also be juggled but for only 1 point every 5 seconds. Now remember, the snakes must be juggled, so only the time when the snakes are in the air will be counted. Miles: What happens if the snake bites and hangs on? Bubba: That will be counted as juggling. Now Brother Miles, could you talk about the history of this event for our viewers? Miles: Well, Jesus himself once said, "And these signs shall follow them that believe; In my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues; They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover." That is in Mark 16:17-18. Bubba: I'm sure our viewers will notice the connection this verse has to some of our other events. So, who was the first snake juggler. Miles: That honor goes to Paul himself! Acts 28 tells a wonderful story of Paul impressing savages with his grace and style while snake juggling! Bubba: Could you retell it for us, Brother Miles. Miles: Certainly. You see, Paul was on an island called Melita, which was inhabited by barbarians. These barbarians showed him great kindness and gave him shelter and made a fire for him. Well, Paul went to put some wood on the fire, when LO and BEHOLD, a poisonous viper leapt out of the fire and attached itself to him. Bubba: Amazing! Was he frightened? Miles: No, not Paul. But the barbarians thought Paul must be a murderer and that this was some sort of vengeance against him. Paul just laughed and nonchalantly tossed the snake in the fire. When the barbarians saw that no harm came to him, they thought he must be a god! Bubba: Heart-warming isn't it? Well, our contestants are ready to go! First up will be Pat Robertson, to be followed by Oral Roberts, Billy Graham, Mother Theresa, Morris Cerulo, Jesse Jackson, Atheist, and finally the Pope. Any predictions this time Brother Miles? Miles: Youth and dexterity will definitely play a factor here. The Pope will perhaps lack a little of the hand-eye coordination necessary here, while Mother Theresa lacks a hand: that stump will give her problems! However, I expect them to score modestly well with the rest of the Dream Team making up a little ground. This could be Jesse's chance to make his move. I think it is probably now or never for him to take the lead. Atheist is gonna bite the dust! Bubba: That is exactly how I expect it to unfold also. Here we go! Manny tell what is happening! Manny: Bubba, Pat must really be ambitious. He has called for 4 cobras, 4 rattle snakes, 2 mambas, and 2 bushmasters. Miles: Wow! He will have to move faster than Muhammed Ali to juggle that many! He could catch the Pope here! Bubba: The box filled with the snakes is ready. As soon as Pat removes them, the timer will be started! Manny: Pat looks really nervous, but perhaps it's just excitement! The box of snakes has just been placed in his shaking hands. Oh NO! The box just got tipped over before Pat was ready! The snakes are all over him! Miles: Cool! Look at that style! He has two on his left arm, one on his neck, 3 on his right leg, 3 on his torso, and the Piece de Resistance, TWO on his crotch!!! My LORD, it looks like the Holy Spirit has entered Pat: He's bouncing off the walls and spinning like a whirligig! He must be dancing for JOY!!! Bubba: This is reminiscent of that Paul story you told us, only it is twelve times as impressive! Imagine if those savages had seen this! Wait, what's happening? Manny: Pat has fallen. Perhaps he tripped. The snakes have been dislodged and the clock has stopped. Bubba: But I believe he kept them in the air for 10 seconds. Miles: Who said the men's 100 meter final in the Olympics was the most exciting 10 seconds in sports? I challenge them to top this record breaking performance. Manny: Pat isn't moving. Our judges are going over to see what's wrong... Bubba: Maybe he hit his head on a rock when he tripped. Miles: I suspect that Atheist is behind it somehow. Manny: The judges think he must be exhausted from the strenuous effort. They are taking him to a place to rest. Miles: He'll shake it off and be back for the next event, I'm sure. Manny: The judges have just made an announcement: Pat has died of unknown causes. Miles: What a Shocker! I wonder what happened. There should be an autopsy to discover the cause of death. He looked so vibrant and alive when he had the snakes on him! Bubba: Jesus said to let the dead bury the dead. Let's get back to the action! Next up is Oral Roberts. Manny: Oral, Billy Graham, Mother Theresa, and Jesse Jackson have all withdrawn! Oral and Billy wish to pay their respects to Pat, Mother Theresa doesn't want to aggravate the arthritis in her remaining hand, and Jesse Jackson has some administrative work to attend to for his Rainbow Coalition! Morris Cerulo has just stepped up confidently for his turn. Miles: He looks serious! Perhaps faith healing isn't his only speciality. Bubba: Morris has asked for 3 cobras and a rattlesnake. Miles: He isn't as ambitious as Pat, but look for a big score! Manny: Morris has just taken the box and placed it on the ground. He is leaning over the box and has now opened the lid! He's blocking the view, so I can't see what's happening.... Wait, there he goes.... He now has four snakes in his hands. They aren't moving at all... He must have quite a grip on them.... Miles: Can you hear that rattlesnake? I bet that Atheist is scared! Manny: He has just tossed them in the air and is trying to keep them going..... Looks like he's dropped one.... Oh... He just dropped them all.... Bubba: Great performance! He kept that rattle snake in the air for 5 seconds and managed to keep the cobras in the air for 10 seconds... That's worth 700 points, putting him behind Pat, who has 2400. Manny: What is Atheist doing?... He's just picked up one of Morris' snakes and ... he's claiming that it's made of rubber! Bubba: So... Manny: He is accusing Morris of cheating... Miles: Talk about the pot calling the kettle black!..... Manny: The judges have ruled that God turned the snakes to rubber to protect Morris. The result stands. Miles: Morris must have gotten that one from Moses! Moses changed snakes into wood, but Morris has added a modern twist to an age-old miracle by changing snakes into rubber! Hallelujah! Bubba: Great! Now we get to see Atheist try. Manny: Atheist has just put on some thick gloves and a chain mail suit. He is now asking for four cobras. Miles: Disgraceful! Are the referees going to permit this! Bubba: Unfortunately the rules don't forbid it. Manny: Atheist has just grabbed the cobras and has tossed them into the air! The snakes are trying in vain to bite him. .... He just dropped two... Still going.... Good form.... Oh... he dropped the other two now. Bubba: He kept 2 in the air for 10 seconds and the other 2 in the air for 30. That is worth 1600 points. Giving him a total of 2305. Not enough to match Pat's performance, but enough to put him back in second place. Miles: No problem... The Pope will take the lead now... I bet he's going to ask for 12 cobras, one for each of the apostles! Manny: He just asked for 1 coral snake. It will take him forever to score well with that. Miles: You see, Brother Bubba! What strategy! The Pope knows he doesn't have the speed and reflexes for a quick kill, but he has a lot of endurance. I would compare Pat to a sprinter, and I would compare the Pope to a marathon runner. Manny: The Pope has grabbed the coral snake and is now tossing it up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down...! We could be here a while! Bubba: To pass Atheist the Pope needs to keep this up for 1 hour, 49 minutes, and 10 seconds. To catch Pat will require over 2 hours of work. Miles: If anyone can do it, the Pope can.... Manny: (25 minutes later) Looks like the Pope has opted to change styles. The snake has now bitten him between the fingers and is hanging on.... Miles: He's just taking a break. That is why he just flopped down on his back. Bubba: Here comes Atheist! Manny: Atheist has just pulled the snake off of the Pope and has stuck a syringe into him! Miles: He's cheating! He knew that the Pope was going to catch up to him eventually. Bubba: Well, that performance lasted for 25 minutes and 5 seconds, giving the Pope 1306 total points. Miles: Those judges have to disqualify that Atheist now. Manny: The judges have just deducted 1,000 points from Atheist for interfering. His next infraction will bring disqualification. Atheist, you have continuously disrupted these games and have shown no respect for the rules... Atheist: I have respect for life, though. I knew that if I didn't inject that anti-venom into him that he would die. Manny: Ha! The Lord was protecting him. Atheist: Yeah, just like he protected Pat Robertson! (walking away) Miles: That Atheist is stupid. Hasn't he read his bible? So what is the score now? Bubba: There has been some shuffling in the standings now. Here is the scoreboard: Pat Robertson - 2400 pts. (dead) Pope - 1306 Atheist - 1305 Morris Cerulo - 1250 Jesse Jackson - 610 Mother Theresa -238 Billy Graham - 30 Oral Roberts - 25 Jerry Falwell - 5 (dead) Robert Tilton - (-5) (injury) Benny Hinn - (-5) (injury) Comments, Brother Miles? Miles: I am disgusted that the Atheist is still alive. Why is the Lord vexing us with him? Pat has jumped into the lead, but in his present condition I don't think he will be able to add to that score. The Pope is still easily within striking distance of the gold. Atheist, though only a point behind, will surely drop out of contention soon. Morris is a big surprise. This could be the Cinderella story of the meet! Mother Theresa is out of medal contention now. to be continued...