From: Brother Bubba Subject: The Christian Olympics: 6. Walking on water Date: Wed, 07 Aug 1996 00:37:46 -0400 Organization: Brainwashed Victims of Christianity (BVC) Disclaimer: This is a parody. It is not meant to be an accurate depiction of the beliefs and actions of the people involved. Any similarities to actual events are purely accidental. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Bubba: Here we are at the Sea of Galilee where Jesus and Peter walked on water. This event will test the faith of our Christian Dream team. Those with a steady and unwavering faith will have no problem here. The contestants will be taken out 100 meters off the shore, and then each one will be tossed overboard to walk to shore. The scoring works as follows. Each meter that the contestant walks will be worth 10 points. What can we expect here Brother Miles? Miles: Prediction. 1000 points for all the Christians, and one very wet Atheist. What will they do if Atheist starts drowning? Bubba: The rules clearly state that each contestant must rely on his, and only his, own faith. Miles: I can't wait! Bubba: Manny, are we ready to begin? Manny: Yes, the competitors are about to be thrown in! Miles: What's the delay then? Manny: Jesse Jackson says he can't swim, and everyone is complaining about the weird shoes the atheist is wearing! Many are worried he is trying to cheat again. Miles: Why didn't that Jesse Jackson learn to swim at the public swimming pools back in the 50's or 60's? Besides, what does he have to be afraid of? Bubba: Looks like they are off. What is happening in the water, Manny? Manny: Well, they are all flopping around in the water. Wait, Atheist's shoes are inflating! He is now standing up and striding confidently toward shore! Miles: And the other contestants? Manny: Everyone is desperately trying to avoid Jesse Jackson. He is panicking and desperately grabbing people. He is looking for someone to hold onto. He is a real menace. Bubba: Atheist is turning back! He is rushing to help Jesse! I can't believe he is trying to interfere again. Miles: He has no respect for the rules of fair sportsmanship! It makes me sick. Manny: Atheist has just tossed one of his shoes to Jesse, and Jesse has managed to catch it! Bubba: Now, Atheist is swimming toward shore just like the Dream Team. This is a shock! Our panel of judges has awarded Atheist credit for the 10 meters he covered before rescuing Jesse, which would give him 100 points. Miles: WHAT! That cheating Atheist! Has he paid them off? Do those judges worship GOD or Mammon? Surely they can't look the other way at his cheating this time. Someone has to protest. Bubba: You are correct Brother Miles. The other competitors have all filed a protest claiming that 1. The atheists shoes were really a boat, and 2. He cheated and interfered and should be penalized. and 3. He retraced the 10 meters he covered to save Jesse, thereby nullifying the distance. Miles: What is the ruling? Manny: The judges have just discussed it, and they decided that Atheist should get nothing, since he retraced his steps. Also, the Atheist has now been given an official warning about interfering. On the next offense he will lose 1000 points! Bubba: Current standings then are, after 6 rounds. Pope - 995 pts. Atheist - 705 Jesse Jackson - 610 Morris Cerulo - 550 Mother Theresa -238 Billy Graham - 30 Oral Roberts - 25 Jerry Falwell - 5 (dead) Pat Robertson - 0 Robert Tilton - (-5) (injury) Benny Hinn - (-5) (injury) Comments, Brother Miles. Miles: That Atheist has ruined these games. We have 1 dead and two injured. Plus his lack of faith has adversely affected the performance of the other contestants. Why is the LORD permitting this? to be continued...