From: Brother Bubba Subject: The Christian Olympics: 5. Raising the dead Date: Wed, 07 Aug 1996 00:33:56 -0400 Organization: Brainwashed Victims of Christianity (BVC) Disclaimer: This is a parody. It is not meant to be an accurate depiction of the beliefs and actions of the people involved. Any similarities to actual events are purely accidental. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Bubba: (gasping for breath) Well, here we are at the venue for our next event, the raising the dead competition. Miles: I didn't realize the morgue would smell so bad. How did the scoring end for the mountain moving contest? Bubba: The Judges have ruled that Atheist succeeded in moving half of the mountain, for 500 points.... The current standings are..... Pope - 995 pts. Atheist - 705 Jesse Jackson - 610 Morris Cerulo - 550 Mother Theresa -238 Billy Graham - 30 Oral Roberts - 25 Jerry Falwell - 5 (dead) Pat Robertson - 0 Robert Tilton - (-5) (injury) Benny Hinn - (-5) (injury) Comments, Brother Miles. Miles: Atheist has now vaulted into second place, due to some devious cheating and underhanded scheming. However, he won't survive our later events, so I still consider the Pope the gold medal favorite. I also expect Mother Theresa to stay in the medal hunt. One thing I don't understand is why they didn't also award the points to the other competitors who prayed to move that mountain. Bubba: I don't understand or agree with the ruling either, Brother Miles. I think it is pretty obvious that the LORD was just answering their prayers in His own way, in His own time! Miles: My point exactly! We can't question His ways or even begin to understand them. Bubba: Now to our next event, Raising the Dead. This event should be extremely difficult. How do you see this round unfolding? Miles: Well, Brother Bubba, I wouldn't expect anyone to score too high here. This miracle is one of the most difficult to perform. The only people to have succeeded are Elijah, Elisha, Jesus, and Paul. Bubba: If they succeed though, it will be worth 5,000 points. Miles: Let me add a historical footnote here, Brother Bubba. Elisha was so talented in this event that he actually succeeded in raising the dead after he had already died himself. Check out 2 Kings 13:20-21 "And Elisha died, and they buried him. And the bands of Moabites invaded the land at the coming in of the year. And it came to pass, as they were burying a man, that, behold, they spied a band of men; and they cast the man into the sepulchre of Elisha: and when the man was let down, and touched the bones of Elisha, he revived, and stood up on his feet." Bubba: AMAZING! Even Jesus didn't do that!!! Miles: So, I wouldn't count Jerry Falwell out. His body has been brought to this morgue, and he could score big, even take the lead. Bubba: OK, the competition has been joined! Let's find out from Manny what is happening. Manny: Well, the Dream Team seems sort of confused. The Atheist is taunting them. Atheist: Hey Christian scum, what happened to your faith! If you had but the faith of a mustard seed you could raise all these people from the dead! Miles: Shameful. I can't wait to see him drink that poison. Bubba: Looks like Pat Robertson has taken the initiative. What's he doing? Manny: Pat has just taken a dead little boy and has laid his naked body on a table. Miles: Has Rigor Mortis set in? Manny: Yep, he's stiff as a board. Pat is now climbing onto the table and is laying upon the child. He is now putting his mouth upon the child's mouth, his eyes upon his eyes, and his hands upon his hands... That is certainly a passionate kiss! Miles: Why, he is using the Elisha technique. That is what Elisha did in 2 Kings 4:34-35. Manny: Now, he is lowering himself upon the child. Looks like the Holy Spirit has come upon Pat. He is moaning and speaking in tongues. Bubba: Do you think the heat generated from friction is all that is needed to raise the body temperature back to normal? Miles: Unfortunately, it isn't so easy. But he seems to have a great deal of experience using Elisha's technique. Bubba: I wonder what technique Elisha would have used on a woman? Miles: Good question, Brother Bubba. This technique surely wouldn't work! WAIT!!!! DID THE BOY SNEEZE? Manny: No, Pat farted. He's now climbed down, but the boy still hasn't moved. The Atheist has gotten sick! Miles: Perhaps the LORD has smitten him with a plague! Bubba: Well, we have now run out of time and no one has scored. I was really hoping Jerry Falwell would be returning to finish the competition. Manny: With me now, I am talking to Pat Robertson. Pat, that was a wonderful and touching thing you did as you valiantly tried to bring that boy back to us. Pat: I did my best, but God just told me that the boy was safe and sound playing his harp in heaven. It was not the Lord's will that he return to face eternal judgment a second time. Manny: Thank you, Pat. Pat: My pleasure, Manny. After I rest a bit, I might try and revive some other little boys, that is, if we have time. Manny: Good luck, but I think we are leaving for the Sea of Galilee in 5 minutes. Bubba: Well, lets take a look at our scoreboard again. As expected there are no changes from last round. Pope - 995 pts. Atheist - 705 Jesse Jackson - 610 Morris Cerulo - 550 Mother Theresa -238 Billy Graham - 30 Oral Roberts - 25 Jerry Falwell - 5 (dead) Pat Robertson - 0 Robert Tilton - (-5) (injury) Benny Hinn - (-5) (injury) Comments, Brother Miles. Miles: As I said earlier, this was the result to expect, especially with that doubting Atheist present. Manny, is that Atheist still alive? He shouldn't be. Manny: He is. to be continued...