From: Brother Bubba Subject: The Christian Olympics: 4. Mountain moving Date: Wed, 07 Aug 1996 00:29:28 -0400 Organization: Brainwashed Victims of Christianity (BVC) Disclaimer: This is a parody. It is not meant to be an accurate depiction of the beliefs and actions of the people involved. Any similarities to actual events are purely accidental. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Bubba: I'm sure that atheist will get what's coming to him in the snake juggling contest! But now, we go to the mountain moving contest. Each contestant will get one chance to move Mount Zion. Successfully moving the mountain will be worth 1000 points. Any comments Brother Miles? Miles: This should be really exciting. Don't expect anyone to make up ground on the Pope. I'm sure they all have faith bigger than a mustard seed, except for that atheist. That atheist will fall behind everyone now. As the GOOD BOOK says, "Verily I say unto you, if ye have faith and doubt not, you shall not only do this which is done to the fig tree, but also if ye shall say unto this mountain be thou removed and be thou cast into the sea; it shall be done. And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive." Matthew 21:21-22 Bubba: That dumb atheist is gonna have a pretty hard time here. Originally this event was designed to weed out false Christians. Personally, I thought it would be a mere formality, but now it has real significance. Miles: Well, the later events will do an even better job of weeding out false Christians. Lack of faith will send that Atheist where he belongs when it comes to snake juggling! Bubba: The lineup will be: Jerry, Oral, Billy, Pope, Jesse, Mother Theresa, Morris, Pat, and finally Atheist. Miles: That Atheist will be demoralized . The mountain will probably have been cast into the sea by the time it's his turn. Bubba: Looks like Jerry is in position. He's raised his hands toward heaven and is now shouting. Manny, can you fill us in on what is happening? Manny: Jerry has just begun his prayers and is calling on Jesus to move this mountain. Jerry: Be thou removed and be thou cast into the sea! Miles: What's happening to the mountain? I haven't seen it budge. Manny: Jerry is now falling to his knees and screaming! His face is turning red, his features are contorted in extreme concentration. Jerry has removed all doubt from his mind and is focusing all of his will power on moving that mountain. Jerry: BE THOU REMOVED AND BE THOU CAST INTO THE SEA! URRRP!... Manny: Oh NO! Jerry has collapsed! Get the faith healers quick! Miles: That atheist is laughing! How rude and unsportsmanlike! Bubba: Look! Morris Cerulo, Billy Graham, Pat Robertson, and Jesse Jackson have pulled out of this event to heal Jerry Falwell. What sacrifices! Especially for Jesse, who is currently in second place. Miles: Well, surprisingly, Jerry has failed to score. But you know the LORD works in mysterious ways. I'm sure that mountain will move eventually. Bubba: Now it's Oral's turn. He appears to be demoralized. Do you think this will affect him Brother Miles. Miles: Oral is a true believer with a wonderful zeal for doing the Lord's work. All it takes is the faith of a mustard seed, and Oral definitely has plenty to spare. Bubba: Manny, fill us in on the action. Manny: Well Bubba, Oral has begun his prayers, but he seems to be praying silently. Very subdued. Perhaps he is grief stricken and is praying for Jerry. Miles: I'll bet he is calling for a 900 foot Jesus to come pick up that mountain and carry it away! Bubba: I don't think he is praying for the mountain to move, 'cause it isn't moving. Miles: True. Why is that Atheist laughing again? Bubba: He is afflicted with a demon, I think. Our judges have ruled that Oral has not moved the mountain. Well, let's see if the Pope can put this tragedy behind him and move this mountain. Miles: I'm sure he won't have any trouble whatsoever, Brother Bubba. He is definitely looking to make up for his surprisingly low scores in the previous two events. Besides, this is his golden opportunity to widen his lead over Jesse and Morris, now that they are healing Jerry. Bubba: He appears ready. Manny, why is he climbing into the Pope- Mobile? Manny: Well, Bubba, his valiant effort to convert that heathen boy has sapped his energy. He is going to drive around the mountain and bless it before he casts it into the sea. Miles: I just love watching that Pope ride around in his Pope- Mobile making signs of the cross at the adoring crowds. This will be even more exciting, because each blessing he casts at that mountain will rip apart its very foundation. Bubba: I'm on the edge of my seat. Perhaps we should put in earplugs for when that foundation gets torn up. Miles: By the way, did anyone remember to warn those fisherman in the Mediterranean that a mountain was gonna be headin' their way? Bubba: I reckon the Lord will send an angel to warn those that deserve it. Manny, the Pope-Mobile is now returning to the competition area. What is it like down there? Manny: The atmosphere here is electrifying. The only sound you can hear is Atheist laughing. Miles: Someone should have converted him in the second event of this competition. He could use a red-hot poker up his butt right now! He wouldn't be laughing then. Manny: The Pope is now getting ready! Let's listen in. He's beginning to chant. Pope: Caveat Emptor! Quid pro quo! Quod erat demonstrandum! Hic Haec Hoc! Veni, Vidi, Vici! E Pluribus Unum! Semper Fidelis! In Nomine Patris, Et Filis, Et Spiritus Sancti! Et tu, Brute! Amen! Miles: Hallelujah! That mountain is gonna move! Manny: Nothing is happening! Something is wrong! Bubba: I think the presence of a doubter is having an adverse affect here. Miles: That is certainly it! Even Jesus had trouble performing miracles when doubters were present. Just check out Matthew 13:58 "And He did not many mighty works there because of their unbelief." Bubba: Thanks for pointing out that verse for us, Brother Miles. Some of our free thinking viewers might have lost a little faith. Manny, are they making the Atheist leave before Mother Theresa tries. Manny: Yes, they are. The Atheist has been carried off: he lost all his energy laughing. Bubba: Great! So what is Mother Theresa doing? Manny: She has Rosary beads out and is saying Hail Mary's over and over. She is beginning to rock back and forth as she works up and focuses her spiritual energy. Miles: There is no way she'll succeed. She has her head uncovered! Bubba: Could you explain this problem to our viewers Brother Miles? Miles: I'll just let the Apostle Paul do the explaining. Check out 1 Corinthians 11:5-6 "But every woman that prayeth or prophesieth with her head uncovered dishonoreth her head: For that is even all one as if she were shaven. For if the woman be not covered, let her also be shorn: but if it be a shame for a woman to be shorn or shaven, let her be covered." Bubba: Amen! I don't understand why she isn't wearing her habit. Miles: They took her head covering to make a pillow for Jerry Falwell! Bubba: Looks like she is failing too! Why doesn't someone shave her? Miles: I'm on my way! Luckily I brought my shaving kit! The Lord knew I would need it. Bubba: After he gets done shaving her, that mountain will certainly move. Well, while Miles is shaving her, let's find out what is happening with Jerry Falwell. Manny: He's dead, Brother Bubba. It appears to have been a brain hemorrhage. He gave a valiant effort in the name of the Lord. I'm sure he is in heaven now cheering on his fellow Christians. Bubba: Well, he might be brought back in the raising the dead competition. I wouldn't count him out yet. The presence of that doubting Atheist has sure caused a lot of problems. GREAT SCOTT! Mother Theresa is totally bald now. Miles: (returning) Now we will see that mountain move! Bubba: That didn't take you long. Miles: The Lord was with me. Manny: The mountain still isn't moving! What could possibly be wrong? Bubba: Oh No! Your forgot to shave her pubes, Brother Miles. Miles: AAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH! Forgive me LORD! Bubba: We can't cry over spilt milk. Mother Theresa's time is up. They are now bringing the Atheist back and are telling him to move the mountain. Manny: Looks like Atheist has something dirty up his sleeve! He's telling everyone to evacuate the area! He's begun digging a hole near the base of the mountain! Miles: Ha! At that rate it would take him 10,000 years to move that mountain. That's longer than the universe has existed! Bubba: The Dream Team has gathered around and is mocking the Atheist. Manny: The Atheist has just placed a cylindrical object in the hole he has dug. Here he comes now! Hey Atheist, do you have anything to say? Atheist: RUN! Manny: Why? Atheist: (sprinting off) Because that Atomic Bomb is going to blow up in 20 minutes!!! Manny: I'm outta here! Bubba: Well, I'm not running from that Atheist's empty threats. However, I do hear the LORD calling me to, uhhh, heal a palsied child on the other side of town. Miles: Me too! And when the LIVING GOD tells you to do something, BY GOLLY, you DO it! Bubba: Also, we can check out the venue for our next event, the raising the dead competition, right Brother Miles..... Uhhh, Brother Miles?... Wait for me! to be continued...