From: Brother Bubba Subject: The Christian Olympics: 3. casting out demons/faith healing Date: Sun, 04 Aug 1996 22:18:13 -0400 Organization: Brainwashed Victims of Christianity (BVC) Disclaimer: This is a parody. It is not meant to be an accurate depiction of the beliefs and actions of the people involved. Any similarities to actual events are purely accidental. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Bubba: Let me add my voice to those prayers, Brother Miles. That atheist will soon be so busy dodging lightning bolts, he won't be able to interfere again. Now, the next event is the casting out demons event. The contestants will go to the main hospital here in Jerusalem and will cast out the demons afflicting the people there. Miles: This will be an exciting day for those people in the hospital. For those watching, keep a close eye on Morris Cerulo. This is his specialty! Bubba: How do you think the Pope will do? Do you think he can bounce back from his failure in the previous event. Miles: I wouldn't expect a strong showing. The Pope seems to go through time consuming rituals when performing an exorcism and there is a time limit of 25 minutes for this event! Bubba: True. For those wondering how the scoring works: each demon cast out is worth 200 points. Manny, has the hospital been informed of the upcoming healings? Manny: Yes, and those doctors are trying to prevent it. Their main complaint is that all the pigs running around the building will be unsanitary. Miles: Those stupid doctors. What do they know about healing? Jesus himself cast demons out of people and into pigs. It can't be done any other way. If those doctors had read their BIBLE instead of their medical texts, they would know this. Bubba: I agree. I am reminded of Martin Luther's statement here, "Idiots, the lame, the blind, the dumb, are men in whom the devils have established themselves: and all the physicians who heal these infirmities, as though they proceeded from natural causes, are ignorant blockheads...." Miles: He was an excellent authority on spiritual matters. I'm sure our listeners thank you for translating it from the German for them. Of course that isn't all, Luther also said that "A large number of deaf, crippled and blind people are afflicted solely through the malice of the demon. And one must in no wise doubt that plagues, fevers and every sort of evil come from him." Bubba: Back to those blockheads complaints, has anyone tried to get them to listen to reason? Manny: Well, it appears as though the contest will be allowed, but only under the strictest observation. Miles: Why, once they see those invalids jump out of traction, those doctors won't give our Dream Team any trouble. Bubba: OK. The contestants have just been waiting for the pig controversy to be settled. Truckloads of pigs have just been released inside the hospital and our contestants are OFF! Miles: I'm so excited for those poor invalids. Still, though, I am afraid that that atheist will try and interfere again! Bubba: Oh No! Alarms are going off in all the rooms, especially in the intensive care unit! What is happening, Manny? Manny: The doctors are going nuts around here. They may be afflicted with demons. The pigs have knocked over several IV stands and the doctors are trying to prevent Morris Cerulo from entering. Miles: Those idiots! Looks like he's gotten through now! Manny: He has! He is approaching an unconscious invalid and has just knocked him on the head saying, "TAKE IT in JESUS's name!" The invalid has fallen out of the bed and is quivering on the floor! Miles: OUR first healing! Praise JESUS! Manny: The Pope has also come in and is sprinkling Holy Water everywhere. Bubba: What is he saying? I can't make it out? Manny: He is chanting, "The power of Christ compels you! Get thee behind me Satan!" Miles: Looks like Morris has just ripped the bandages off that burn victim and has smacked him on the head. Look at those pigs run wild. They must have the demons in them! Manny: Hallelujah! Morris has just healed another one of the possessed. The person is flopping around and turning blue as the demon leaves his body. Miles: Damn that atheist! He's interfering again! He has inserted some sort of tube back into the patients throat. Why, I bet that the demon will crawl through that tube and possess that poor man once again! Bubba: It's true! He's not blue anymore! We may have to give the atheist a negative score for that! Manny: Oh NO! Pat Robertson tried to jump into the action, but he slipped on some pig dung and hit his head. Hope he's all right. It is pandemonium here. The pigs have taken over three entire wings of the hospital. The doctors are attacking the Dream Team. They've just jabbed the Pope in the butt with a syringe, and he's going unconscious! Looks like they've stuck Mother Theresa, Jesse, Oral Roberts, and Jerry Falwell with a syringe too! Bubba: Those doctors are the ones possessed by demons! Hey, what is that atheist doing to Pat? Manny: The atheist has taken the Holy Water from the Pope and thrown it on Pat! Oh NO! Pat has revived! He is healed! The atheist has scored! Now it looks like security guards have tackled Morris and Billy. Bubba: What do they have in their hands? Manny: Looks like a strait jacket. That atheist is the one that needs the strait jacket! Bubba: And Morris was halfway into a healing, too. He had just ripped those wires off that patient's chest when the guards put the strait jacket on him! Manny, what's that horrible sound coming from the EKG? Manny: The patient is dead, Brother Bubba! Hope that demon didn't take his soul! Bubba: Those security guards should be charged with murder for interfering with Morris! Miles: Look at that stupid atheist! He just shouted 'clear' and stuck two paddles on that dead patient's chest. He must be trying to shock him back to life. Doesn't he know that the raising the dead contest isn't till later? Bubba: Times UP!!! Let's get the Dream Team outta there! Manny: The guards have thrown everyone out onto the street and have begun shooting the possessed pigs. We should be able to have quite a barbecue later. Bubba: Great! Now we can give the hams to the starving Jews. Miles: They should love it! I must admit, I'm looking forward to tryin' some myself. I haven't been able to get a ham sandwich since I got here! Bubba: Good thing Paul said it was ok to eat pork, don't you think? Miles: Sure is. So, how did the scoring turn out for this event? Bubba: Well, as expected, Morris Cerulo dominated this event with 2 1/2 healings. Surprisingly, our judges have ruled that Atheist deserves credit for one healing. No one else managed to score. Miles: That Dream Team was up against the Devil's front line troops there. I just heard that over 70 people have died in that hospital now. Can you fill us in Manny? Manny: Certainly. It seems that the pigs knocked over IV stands and damaged vital equipment. The iron lung is permanently out of commission. The hospital staff is swamped and several people have been fatally wounded after slipping in pig doo doo. Miles: If they had left the Dream Team alone to do their good work, this would not be happening. The Lord is visiting His swift and just retribution upon them! Bubba: Amen! The tally now is: Pope - 995 pts. Jesse Jackson - 610 Morris Cerulo - 550 Mother Theresa -238 Atheist - 205 Billy Graham - 30 Oral Roberts - 25 Jerry Falwell - 5 Pat Robertson - 0 Robert Tilton - (-5) (injury) Benny Hinn - (-5) (injury) Any comments Brother Miles? Miles: As I said, Morris made his move, but still hasn't made up enough ground to match the Pope's heroic performance in the circumcision contest. Mother Theresa has dropped in the standings, but I still consider her a serious medal contender, especially since Morris is weak in the other events. The big surprise has to be that shameful atheist. I'm beginning to wonder if Satan has been influencing the judges. That Atheist has interfered with Billy, Oral, Jerry, and Pat, so I don't feel their scores truly reflect upon their faith in Jesus! to be continued...