From: Brother Bubba Subject: The Christian Olympics: 2. heathen converting Date: Sun, 04 Aug 1996 22:14:23 -0400 Organization: Brainwashed Victims of Christianity (BVC) Disclaimer: This is a parody. It is not meant to be an accurate depiction of the beliefs and actions of the people involved. Any similarities to actual events are purely accidental. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Bubba: Looks like we are now getting ready to start our next event: the heathen converting contest. Each of the contestants will be go back out into the same town in the Gaza strip for one hour and try and convert the recently circumcised Palestinians. Could be a tough sell, but this is the DREAM TEAM. Miles: That atheist will sure be at a disadvantage on this one. Don't expect to see him score well. Bubba: True. Each conversion will be worth 100 points. Personally, I bet that atheist is going to try and cheat by converting himself! Miles: I wouldn't put it past him. But we know what will happen to those false prophets! What sort of equipment do they get to use. Bubba: The most important tool is the red hot poker. Historically this has been one of the best tools for bringing people into the flock. Miles: Although those thumbscrews are mighty convincing, too. Do they get to use those? Bubba: Certainly. They also get to use the rack if they want, but that would be very heavy to carry around. I expect it won't be the tool of choice. Looks like the Pope has opted for the poker. Miles: He's saying his Hail Marys again as he is heating it up with his blow torch. I won't underestimate him again. Boy is my face red! Bubba: Well, the timer is starting...... NOW! OH NO! Those ungrateful Palestinians are pummeling the Dream Team with rocks. That cowardly atheist is hiding behind a car. If it weren't for the police, I think this crowd would commit murder! Miles: Still, you have to believe that the love of Jesus will prevail. Bubba: The Dream Team is fleeing the town! They are retreating from the angry mob! Miles: I prefer to say that they are advancing in the opposite direction. The LORD must be leading them to fight somewhere else. Onward Christian Soldiers!!! Bubba: Manny, all of them except for Jesse have just ducked into a building. Can you tell us what it is? Manny: The sign above the door says: The Allah Loves You Nursery School. There should be many young souls to save in here! Miles: Amen! The Dream Team will put the fear of God into those little heathens! Hallelujah! Bubba: Great! We have some action. Billy Graham has caught a little Palestinian girl and is pistoning his red hot poker up her butt. He's saying something to her. Manny, can you make out what he's saying? Manny: Yes. He's telling the little girl that Jesus loves her. Billy is explaining that if she converts now, she'll avoid the tortures of HELL! Bubba: Truly inspiring words. Hey, what is that atheist doing? Manny: That vile atheist is interfering! He took Billy's poker away from him and is beating Billy on the head with it. Why is the referee permitting this?!!! That disgusting atheist has prevented the little girl from accepting Jesus! Miles: That atheist will get what's coming to him. There is a special place in HELL for the likes of him!!! Bubba: Looks like Mother Theresa has put the thumbscrews on a little boy. It must have required a great deal of dexterity to do it with just one hand! Manny: Hallelujah! The little boy is praising Jesus!!! We have our first conversion! And here comes that atheist. Miles: Ha Ha! Not fast enough, Mr. Smartass Atheist! But... Oh, disgusting! He's attacking Mother Theresa with the poker anyway. That atheist has the DEVIL in him!!! He has no morals whatsoever!!! Bubba: Hold on a sec'... Our other camera crew has been following Jesse Jackson. Miles: I was wondering what he's been doing. Bubba: Well, he headed towards a Jewish settlement, and it appears he's just found a little Jewish boy. Miles: Look at that boy run! Still, he won't outrun Jesse. Bubba: Jesse has just tackled the little boy. OUCH! That boy just skinned his knee really badly. Miles: What's Jesse got there in his hand? Bubba: Looks like,.... Yes, it is..... He's got a needle, and he's ready to shove under the kids fingernail. Miles: I like his style! Can we get any sound for this? Bubba: Certainly let's listen in! Jesse: (shoving the needle under the fingernail) Hey, Hymie! You think this hurts, just wait till you gets to hell! Boy: Please don't! MOOOOMMM! Jesse: All you have to do is accept Jesus and you will have salvation. Boy: (whimpering and crying) I accept Jesus. Jesse: (twisting the needle) Do you worship and love HIM and praise HIS mighty name? Boy: (crying loudly) AAIIIIGGHHH! YES! I LOVE JESUS! Miles: HALLELUJAH! Jesse has brought another lost soul into the flock! Bubba: Did anyone remember to bring the Holy Water for the baptisms? Miles: The Pope brought some. What's he been doing at that nursery school? Manny: Uhh, it appears that the Pope has taken a very Catholic approach, one often used on altar boys by priests. Bubba: In America, they throw priests in jail for using that technique. Miles: Well, we all know how America has turned away from GOD!!! Bubba: Time is running out. Has the Pope gotten a conversion? Manny: Well, I know that he has been screaming "Oh, God, YES!" for the last 10 minutes. But the little boy has just cried in pain. Miles: Don't you worry. The Pope will soon fill him with the Holy Spirit, and then he'll have the JOY in his heart! Bubba: Oops. The Buzzer! Too late! Manny, find out what that shameful atheist has to say for himself. Manny: Atheist, your sin is great!! You have prevented an innocent little heathen girl from accepting Jesus, and you have viciously attacked some of the decent, righteous Christians on the Dream Team. What do you have to say for yourself?! Atheist: You Christian Scum! The tortures that you inflicted on those poor children were inhuman, they were monstrous, they were... Miles: They were inspired by the truth of the Bible! Look at what Moses did to the Midianites in Numbers 31: killing all the little boys and older girls and giving the little girls to the deserving Israelite men! Certainly, the God of Moses, who ordered the destruction of the Midianites, would look on approvingly at the loving torture that the Dream Team used here today! Bubba: Why, certainly Brother Miles. After all, the goal is to save them from the everlasting torments of HELL! No pain, No gain! Let's talk with Jesse now. Manny: Jesse, I hear you ran all the way to the Jewish settlement to go for a conversion. Any reason why you decided to pass up the needy children at this nursery school! Jesse: Well, Manny, I figured everyone else was working on converting them Arabs, but the LORD was calling me to convert some Hymies. Manny: You found one very quickly, despite your lack of knowledge of the area. How did you do it? Jesse: I have the LORD to thank for that, but I've also spent a lot of time in Hymie-town, that's New York, and I have their pattern down cold. I saw some Hymie writing on the wall, so I knew I was heading the right direction. Miles: The LORD was with you brother Jesse. He made sure you knew all about the Hymies. Jesse: That's correct. I have to give all the credit to Jesus. Manny: Thank you, Jesse. Your performance is going a long way to atoning for Ham's sins. Bubba: Now for the current standings: Pope - 995 pts. Jesse Jackson - 610 Mother Theresa -238 Morris Cerulo - 50 Billy Graham - 30 Oral Roberts - 25 Jerry Falwell - 5 Atheist - 5 Pat Robertson - 0 Robert Tilton - (-5) (injury) Benny Hinn - (-5) (injury) There are two major surprises so far. First, Mother Theresa is doing very well, and has actually made up ground on the Pope. The second surprise is not so good. That atheist isn't bringing up the rear as expected. Care to comment on that Brother Miles? Miles: First, I would like to point out that Jesse Jackson is also doing surprisingly well. Age is certainly going to affect the Pope in later rounds. As for the disgusting display of unsportsmanlike conduct by that atheist only one thing can be said. He is a cheating, no good, and immoral heathen. I pray that the Lord strikes him down before he can interfere again. to be continued...