From: Brother Bubba Subject: The Christian Olympics: 10. Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego contest Date: Wed, 07 Aug 1996 01:03:35 -0400 Organization: Brainwashed Victims of Christianity (BVC) Disclaimer: This is a parody. It is not meant to be an accurate depiction of the beliefs and actions of the people involved. Any similarities to actual events are purely accidental. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Bubba: Now we have our final round of competition. The Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego contest. This contest is easy. Each contestant will be tied up and tossed into a fiery furnace. All those who walk out will receive 2000 points. Miles: And those that don't will have begun their stay in Hell! Bubba: True. Could you give us the history for this event, Brother Miles? Miles: Gladly. Three men who loved God very much refused to bow down and worship idols to other gods. They only worshipped God! Well, the King became very angry and had a huge furnace built. Then Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were tied up and tossed in. The flame was so hot that the soldiers who threw them in were burned to death! But Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were unhurt! Jesus himself appeared in the furnace to save them! Bubba: Do you think we'll see Jesus today? Miles: I guarantee it! Bubba: Well, the Atheist has shown up wearing some really weird suit! I think I saw one of those on a volcano special on TV. Manny, where is the Pope? Manny: The Pope wishes to withdraw. He has just jumped into his Pope Mobile! Manny: Wait.... The judges won't let him withdraw. They have pulled him out of the Pope-Mobile and have tied him up. The atheist has been tied up too, and the furnace is being stoked to its hottest temperature. Bubba: I wonder what the Pope is worried about. Perhaps he doesn't like the smell of burning flesh. Miles: That is probably it, Brother Bubba. The Popes these days don't like burning people any more. Their nose is too sensitive! I'm am so excited right now... That Atheist is gonna be toasted tonight! Manny: The attendants have tossed our contestants into the furnace! The flames from the furnace have burned those attendants to cinders!!! Smoke is everywhere, I can't see what is happening! Miles: This is reminiscent of the story in the Bible. Now we get to see Jesus rescue the Pope! Manny: Look, I see a shiny figure in there! Is it the SON OF GOD?... NO, Damn it! It's the Atheist! He has just hopped out of the furnace with a smile on his face. There's no sign of the Pope. Where could he be? Bubba: Perhaps he was raptured. Miles: No, it couldn't be that. We're still here. Bubba: You are right..... Perhaps he was taken up into heaven, just like Elijah and Enoch! Miles: That is correct.... God just told me that the Pope is now safely in heaven. Manny: The judges are conferring... They have awarded Atheist 2000 points and the Pope 0. Miles: WHAT!!!!!! They can't do that.... The Pope didn't die in there.... No one saw him die.... This is the last time I cover these games. They're all rigged. Bubba: I agree... Well, here are the final standings: Atheist - 4305 GOLD MEDAL Morris Cerulo - 3150 (dead) SILVER MEDAL Jesse Jackson - 2410 (dead) BRONZE MEDAL Pat Robertson - 2400 pts. (dead) Pope - 2331 (missing) Mother Theresa -238 (dead) Billy Graham - 30 (dead) Oral Roberts - 25 (dead) Jerry Falwell - 5 (dead) Robert Tilton - (-5) (injury) Benny Hinn - (-5) (injury) And so the first Christian Olympic Games end with a huge upset. Any final comments, Brother Miles? Miles: I've finally figured it out. THAT ATHEIST IS THE ANTICHRIST! His dominance in these events are the signs and wonders predicted in the Book of Revelation! Hallelujah! The rapture should happen any minute now! Bubba: Well, that wraps it up. So long from Brother Miles and Brother Bubba and the whole crew at Christian TV. We'll be seeing y'all in heaven real soon! Miles: (as the camera fades back) Don't forget your harps!